To My Jackson

It's hard to believe that the baby will be here soon and you will finally be a big brother. It's become very bittersweet for me within the last few weeks. I'm excited that the baby will soon be coming home yet sad because it will no longer just be the 3 of us. It's a little sad because things have been so good and happy for all of us and it's scary to upset that perfect balance. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown. I know deep down that once he or she is here, everything will be fine and we'll wonder what we ever did without them but it's just getting from here to there. The other day when you got up from you nap early and were a little out of sorts, I took you into bed with me and we watched "Cars" and ate chips and sour cream! It's so nice and I'm so lucky to be able to stay at home with you and do that kind of stuff whenever we want. It did make me wonder how things will change for you since you will no longer be the only child. It did make me sad because I don't ever want you to feel less important or second best and I don't know if I'm capable as a mother to not let that happen. I guess I don't know if I'm a good enough mother to take care of two babies at once. You're only 2 and you're still a baby in so many ways and I just want to protect you and not cause you any pain. I mean I know at some point in your life you're going to get hurt but I just want you to be a happy child and not "know" about that part of life when you're young. Soon my time is going to be divided between you and the baby and I just don't want you to feel like it is. I know there probably is no way to keep that from happening but I'm really going to try to not let it happen. I know Daddy is going to be here a lot after the baby comes home and is going to be helping out and I know you would rather spend time with him than me so maybe the transition won't be so hard on you.

I just love you baby and the last two years of my life with you have been the most meaningful and wonderful I have ever experienced. You have made such a difference in Daddy's and my life, I don't think you will ever know what you have done for us. We love you so much and look forward to everyday we get to be with you. We know we are blessed and fortunate to have you as our son...

Love~
Mama