On my mind

Boy, am I tired. It's only 8:45 pm and I'm exhausted. I have a lot of things I want to work on tonight and I don't think I'm going to make it.


Do you ever feel like something is looming over you? I really don't know how to describe these feelings. I just have this weird sense that something is off...a very unsettling feeling. I can't quite put my finger on it is. It's hanging around and it's such a strange feeling. I'm not sure what to attribute it to. Maybe it's due to the time that I've spent this week reading blogs of a couple families that are experiencing true heartbreak and tragedy. It's very disturbing and brings so many questions to your mind. Honestly it makes me thankful and also ungrateful at the same time. I'm truly thankful that my children and family are healthy but then in the same instant I also feel ungrateful because I don't think I truly appreciate it. I guess my question is, can you really appreciate those types of things until you've been struck by tragedy? I just don't know.

At the end of many long days, I find myself coming apart at the seams and yelling at my kids. It's in those moments when I say to myself, "I'm overreacting, let it go". I feel like a horrible mother but.... Yes there always seems to be a "but" at the end of that phrase for me. I always seem to have an excuse. I need to learn how to handle/process things better. I need to be a better mother.

Someone asked me earlier this week if I was a full time Mom. I looked at this person and thought to myself who isn't a full time Mom????? (There are part time Mom's out there??? Where?!?! I've never heard of such a thing!) I knew she meant stay at home mom. I mean I look the part: Barely have my hair combed, obviously not showered, wearing a wrinkled outfit from the previous day, walking in late for an appointment with two out of control children who don't listen to a word I say. How could you tell? So anyway, I thought before I opened my mouth, something I'm really consciously trying hard to do these days. I said, "I am. I'm very lucky to be a stay at home Mom but it's tough. Some days are better than others." It's the truth. It's an uphill battle.

So anyway, that's what's on my mind.

Moving on...